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Muppet Chickens, the Joy of Sax and Muslim Root Beer Floats

(Australia, Singapore and Malaysia; December 9-17, 1997)

Australia--

After the excitement of drinking out of the tap died down in Australia we got down to some sightseeing. We first started with a tram car tour which was a "restaurant on rails". We enjoyed Australian wines and tried some kangaroo meat and Tasmanian salmon, while riding through the Melbourne streets. At night we went to a Las Vegas-like casino. In the lobby, we joined a packed audience to watch a laser light, dry ice and water fountain extravaganza unfold before us. It culminated with the ceiling chandelier lowering in the form of a 70's - style spaceship.

Our last day, we spent on a tour to Phillip Island with our guide, Bernie.

He was right out of Crocodile Dundee, with lots of "G'Day Mates!".

Along with a van load of other tourists, we first visited an animal farm.

There were wombats (very fat) and chickens. These were no ordinary chickens though, they had hair like Don King after electroshock therapy and little fuzzy feet to boot. They looked like Muppets. Then there was a pen full of kangaroos and wallabies to feed. Unfortunately, we arrived late in the afternoon and so they were too full to eat the kangaroo pellets we offered them. Some of the Japanese tourists got imaginative though. They decided to take a picture while one young lady straddled the back of a very large kangaroo. We looked on in horror, waiting for her to get a free trip back to Tokyo. We found out the word "kangaroo" came from a communication failure between Captain Cook and an Australian Aborigine. When Cook landed in Australia and saw a kangaroo he asked an Aborigine what it was, and the Aborigine answered "Kan Ga Roo" which means "I don't understand you". Next stop on the tour was the Koala Bear Reserve. The rangers had put out fresh eucalyptus leaves low on the branches so the

Koalas would come down and we could get a good look. The leaves sum up the whole diet of the Koalas. The leaves don't contain a lot of water or carbohydrates, so the Koalas spend 20 hours a day sleeping. Our guide Bernie said that Koala turds smell just like eucalyptus, and he used to pick one up, crack it open, and take a deep whiff to show tourists. But Bernie told us, "Once it smelled like what it looked. I didn't try that again for some time I tell ya."

During the drive down to our final destination, Bernie talked about how it was crazy the way Australians, even though it was 100 degrees outside, had to have a traditional English Christmas dinner. He says they swear every year they will let the dinner go cold before they eat it. He also told us about a "Blues Brothers" cult in Melbourne. There is a theatre which shows the movie every Friday night and everyone dresses the part. Kinda like Rocky Horror, but with better music. We reckoned they could just switch over to "Men In Black" without too much trouble.

Our last stop was on the beach on Phillip Island. We were there to witness the "Fairy Penguin Parade". Every night at 9pm, the little penguins (8 in. high) come ashore and make their way to their burrows in the dunes. To avoid being eaten by predators, they group together on the shore and then waddle up the beach. We, the tourists, were positioned on a deck just to the side of their route. We all waited and waited for the first group. Then a wave broke on the beach, and 20 penguins were deposited. When they reached our deck , they had to go under a gate, and sure enough they ducked their little heads to get under, then rushed on home.

Singapore--

As we arrived at Changi Airport in Singapore, we dutifully dumped our contraband of juicy fruit gum (all gum is illegal in Singapore, not just Juicy Fruit).

At the baggage claim, we saw another example of "video mania".

A tourist had his videocam steadily pointed at the place on the moving belt from which our luggage would come. We've also seen a few tourists video taping the stairs while they descend at monuments and hotels. This is particularly dangerous on 200 foot Mayan temples, and some tourists have almost been killed that way.

On the Airport Bus to our hotel, we looked out at a hot beautiful day with palm trees and tropical flowers. Inside the bus a Christmas carol was playing on the radio:

"We wish you'd bury the misses" "We wish you'd bury the misses" "We wish you'd bury the misses" "She's been dead a whole year" etc. (courtesy of Tales of the Crypt Christmas Album)

The hot news item in Singapore centered around outraged cell phone users. Apparently there had been a complete overload and shut down of the system. This was not surprising. Everyone has cellphone here.

After indulging in some of the tastiest Indian food in the world, we headed to Orchard Road. This is the main shopping street. Currently, the government is sponsoring a "Christmas light competition" among the stores. It was techno Christmas!

I was also searching for buskers or street performers. Recently, the

Singapore government has become worried that the city is just too safe and boring. So they decided to encourage artists to entertain the tourists. However, there are, as always in Singapore, just a few restrictions.

First, the busker must apply for a license and be approved by the

Cultural Board. Then, if approved, the performer can only perform at certain times and locations. And finally, all money collected by the performer must be turned over to charity. What an incentive!

We ended the night at "The Saxophone Club". This is a great spot.

That night there was an American Blues band billed. All bands perform literally "on the bar". So you can sit on your stool and look up their nostrils.

The next day, we took a 7-hour bus ride to Kuala Lumpur.

Malaysia--

KL is a very modern city, and the home of the world's tallest twin towers.

It is also a country trying to emulate Singapore in many ways. They preach "a nationwide effort to bringing the whole country to prosperity".

While walking around we saw signs like "Cultivating a cheerful and courteous populace". Unfortunately that's a little difficult right now. The currency is in real trouble. The US dollar usually nets 2 Malaysian Ringgits. Now it gets 4 to 1. There were many stories about Malaysian exchange students abroad having to quit their studies and return home, about families tightening their belts and the worst: Indian restaurants will have to cut back on the amount of spices they use in their curries because the high import costs! The night we arrived, there was a huge market in the street in front of us. We found many delicious foods and of course video movies. In fact, we could have bought the new Bond movie (not out in theatres yet), Flubber, Alien Resurrection, etc.

We decided to honor copyright and see Alien Resurrection in the theatre.

While waiting for the box office to open, we looked for a seat in the lobby. There were wood benches, and a row of four big, comfy leather easy chairs that had coin slots. Don assumed the money would get you a massage, but really he just wanted a seat. However, the minute he sat down an alarm went off "beep, beep, beep..." You had to pay money to just sit in the seat! So we said forget it. Later on, some cheapskate came and sat in the chair without paying and let it beep endlessly.

Kuala Lumpur also has a museum which holds some interesting artifacts: such as "the skull of an elephant that derailed a train and an 'amok catcher' which is an ugly barbed device used to catch and hold a man who has run amok".

We moved on to Kota Bahru, a city on the East coast of Malaysia and a 10 hour bus ride through the jungle from KL We were exhausted when we arrived , but were cheered in finding an "A&W". We were served

Root Beer Floats by young ladies in proper Muslim dress and A&W uniforms.

Our windowless hotel room had the luxury of a remote control air conditioner and an arrow painted on the ceiling so guests knew which direction the Mosque was for praying.

We left the next day after finding out the islands we wanted to visit were "closed". We took a taxi to the Thai border and from there switched to a rickshaw which ferried us through customs, over a speed bump, and into the Kingdom of Thailand.

Cheers, -don & karen (Ko Samui, Thailand)

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